Only because I know just about NOONE reads my blog:Yeah, like my title says, noone reads my blog anymore, and I dont blame them, i havent updated in AGES.
I remember starting the blog in the beginning of this very year, and obviously, I didnt keep up with it.. It used to be a place I'd write stuff that was fun, non serious, mainly because I'm not the type that wants people around me that I know, to know about my erm, emoness or wtvr. I'm pretty much a sensitive person, the type that doesnt show, I dont know, I dont like opening myself to reveal my emotions too much, or what I REALLY think deep down inside. The reason I dont like people i know to know about my emoness or wtvr issues is because they would care, people around me, and thats not a nice thing to burden them with is it? I'd rather have people who dont know me read my emoness because after reading it, they'll just get on, and do wtvr. And thats just people that care about me, and they people who hate me, they'd probably use this information and spread some viscious rumors about me..
Which I do care to a certain extent, depending on the matter, but, generally, i firmly believe that people who really do know me, arent going to believe the rumours, if anything, they'd ask me in my face.
Yeah , that sounded abit contradictive.. (is there such a word?) but lately, I realise that I contradict myself quite alot, especially when i talk to Zi.. she always reminds me of something I had said or done earlier that contradicts what I am saying at the time. I dont realise this.. yeah so, for those who think I'm a hypocrite.. im not.. i merely think differently at times times I suppose..but yeah, you may tell me to my face, I dont mind :)
Here we go.. Lets give this a ShotAnywhos.. Seeing how noone reads this anymore, I suppose I'm free to write wtvr, and for the people who does see this, you'l be a very small number, I'm learning to open myself up a little more, sometimes, I think I keep things inside and I overthink things. And it stresses me out without me knowing.
For me not opening up easily..its probably not good on me, in terms of making true friends that i can trust. Not that I don't have any right now, i do, and you guys know who you are, I mean especially you guys/girl, dont you think it took me AGES to tell you guys some serious true story/secrets of me?
Could be the reason why I havent had a proper relationship till now.. I cant open up to people. Well maybe.. i dont know.. that could be a factor, amongst the few that I've thought of, like, I always come across as the sister/best friend, or maybe I dont have a good personality? OR maybe I have been just TOO picky! Or maybe Im always waiting for guys to make a move, Or maybe just noone likes me that way...(what do you think non existent reader? leave me a comment?)Or Maybe I have had this on -off crush on the same person for YEARSSSS-literally.
There is always the rational part of me that tells me its a crush, but then there's also that wishful thinking part. There was once in my life where I was close to this person, never face to face weirdly enough, just through MSN, we'd talk.. alot..he'd tell me about his problems with his girlfriend and I'd have to say things to comfort him.Or when he is going after another girl, Which obviously ISN't the most enjoyable thing when you like a person, but I guess at that point, I only really cared about him being happy, and NOT finding out about my crush on him, cos it might have ruined our friendship. All the talking made me care about him, cos I started to get to know him. But ultimately,it happened, the friendship wasnt ENTIRELY ruined, but it became awkward. Really awkward, not so much now.. its getting better, From no talk, avoiding eye contact, to little talk, and more talk nowadays? somewhat anyway..and I appreciate that, him being one of the people I have known for a majority of my life that I still do keep contact with, I dont want to completely lose a perfectly good friendship because of my stupid crush, its probably not worth it. I dont think we'll ever get back to the point where we were as close, I wish he had never found out, maybe that way we would have been proper good friends. I remembered telling him that i'll be there when he needed to talk to me, during the few times where he was upset/depressed over his then girlfriend. And there was this ONCE, where I was depressed about my then family mom/dad situation, and I really needed someone to talk to, and he said the four words " I'll be here alright?" , that was a really heart warming thing for me, not in a wishful thinking sense, it was because I sensed the sincerity of a friend being there when i need someone, I didnt have many people I could speak to at the time. It meant a lot to me. the one and only stupid occasion like that, I remember. Probably he doesnt anymore, haha, but its okay. Its a good memory at least, of a friend being there :) Yeah chessy much, but its true! There will always be this soft spot for this person. And I have liked other people alongside this whole on off , constantly relapsing crush, I mean, i'm not some psycho and abnormal person. But I dont know, I would always find something "wrong" with the rest after a short period of time. Even with the one I thought I was close to going out with.. but didnt, yeah, thats one good example, he's one person I'd not want to go out with in a heartbeat if you asked me now.. But he'll always be a good friend to me, thats it. But with the longest crush(probably in the history of human kind), I still feel speechless when I see him, shy, jittery, wtvr.. it could be a good thing or a bad thing, I dont know. Sometimes , I'd go through phases where I would want him to know( and I think the fact that he found out had a lot to do with me telling some people that maybe I shouldnt have at the point, but I was in this phase okay..), and sometimes I dont want people to know( it lasted a good 3/4 years before he found out, so I did good?). I dont even know myself... Garrr.
I told myself that Im over him, or iwant to get over him and I did(at least i think I did) and it works, then I get a relapse. I think there are only two solutions to this. Either he tells me in my face, that it will never happen, which would be very painful, but at least it puts an end to it, OR I have a shot at this, which both are quite impossible at this rate of communication we currently have.
Yeah Whatever on that now, so obviously I'm getting on that I don't care/i don't wanna care right now phase, right now as I type this which I'm sure will change modes to the whole what ifs/memories mode I have just written about.
It does get abit draggy. I'm sorry.
i was typing this in the living room cos it was empty, and i was feeling nostalgic.. and then Ian came along, so.. nostalgia ended, quite instantly.
Right now, I dont want him to read about this... but I dont think he reads my blog anyway..or knows it exists.. like I said.. noone does anymore. Thats why I wrote this to begin with anyway.
But if you stumble across this thing. leave me a comment.. whether you know me or not, or if you prefer to be anonymous and leave me something harsh so I can get over it, Im fine with it too.. :)
xoxo
Annie
6:56 AM